Deadlock!

It gives me pain realizing that
I have made someone sad,
Why do i tend to defy expectations?
well, for that, I am mad,
I fail to express, in order to suppress
and keeping it all just to me,
making others often feel
how indifferent I can be,
Don't know what comes on to me
I always end up doing the same,
and later when i think over
it's for the sloppiness, i feel insane,
Just like that, letting things slip by
without making any special effort,
a day will come when everyone around
will find a reason to avert,
It's horrid to think of it at times
bearing all the pain,
and there i find myself
stuck in the loop again.